 Her legacy |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
MEMORIES OF MY DAUGHTER
I will add to this list as I have a moment in time
where something jars special memories.
1. One memory is of her in her Pink, of course, Barbie
Jeep racing in one circle because she couldn't drive and
mommy chasing her. Round and Round in one circle she
was so funny.
2. In the bathtub she would sing, Jump in the water,
jumpy jumpy, jump in the water, water, water, then
shaking her hips back and forth, Shake your body, shake
your body, shake your body all the way.
3. She would stand on the side of my shower and say
Welcome to the circus, I caylee and in this corner we
have the _________ and in this corner the ________ she
would mumble, then Thank you, Thank you and do this
incredibly over animated bow.
4. She would try to sing with mommy even if she didn't
know the words and at least, get the note right which
was pretty good.
5. We would line up letters on the wall and spell
everyone's name in the bath and she just loved doing
that.
6. If she saw a puppy, she would say, Ahhhhhh, it's so
cute in this really high pitched voice in which her brother
mimicks her now.
7. She would try to ride the front of the shopping cart
and it was cute until she would see something she
wanted and put her foot down without warning, not so
cute..
8. She would tell me over and over things didn't match
and get dressed by herself, maybe she was color blind,
maybe not, but the kid certainly had style.
9. She would put her socks on and panic if the line was
not completely straight across her toe.
10. She would say play the fight song, Lose my Breath
by Destiny Child, I have no idea why she thought it was that, but it was rather funny as she would pant
in unison, so glad she did not know what the song really meant.
11. She wore her Annie dress for about 5 days straight,
slept in it, would do this over and over with the shoes
and all, I would have to make her smell it to wash it.
12. She knew how to throw a tantrum and I can still
remember hearing the sounds, the grunts. The best
part was if you walked away, she would come and do
it right in front of you again. Very funny.
13. I commend the dogs for putting up with her
dragging them around by their tales and sometimes
holding them with her arm wrapped around their
neck. They loved her and boy did she love them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I Believe and some signs
1. It poured all day and all night the day after
Caylee Passed.
2. We went to Walmart and the Mall to find music
and in the middle of spring, there were Angels as
the display for the Photo Center, at the mall,
Victoria Secret, had their line of Angels still up in
the spring and there were crossed all the way
down one whole side of a jewelry display case
and pink blossoms as far as the eye could see in
Bath and Body Works
3. Someone put their hand on my shoulder to
comfort me at Church three weeks after she
passed. I was praying and asking God to tell me
she was ok and I did not fail her, someone put
their hand on my shoulder and my mother asked
if I knew him, when I went to find him there
was no one there. My mother described him as
Curly Dark Hair and younger. She had not
known what I was praying regarding.
4. At a concert, the guitar player threw a guitar
pick and my neice picked it up and it was a butterfly.
5. Mother's Day, I received lavendar roses
from Caylee when a Shop owner asked her name
and gave me one of her two favorite colors.
6. Father's Day, I requested something big and
our youngest child stood on her own for the first
time. She has not done it since. It has now
been 3 months since.
7. I constantly see two birds flyng and playing or
two butterflies playing and they fly right over
the hood of my car.
8. Riley, her cousin came home with a pink
butterfly that no one knows where it came from.
9, When she passed she said she wanted to
watch TV, in November she said I thank Jesus
for TV.
10. At Busch Gardens, I went into the
bathroom, looked down and a pink paper
butterfly was on the ground under my feet.
All of the stalls, I could have gone in.
11. Lee's sister went to buy some shorts,
reached up and something fell between her legs,
it was a blue sapphire butterfly bracelet.
Caylee's Birthstone was Blue Sapphire.
12. Vision of Caylee in God's Hand peaceful
13. Vision of Christ in the Clouds
14. Drove to Sarasota from Tampa wih the boat
not properly attached and I made it all the way
to meet my husband 45 minutes away and the
pulled in, the boat popped up and slammed into me.
It was not my time.
15. Balloon Release - pink and purple
balloon I released stayed together
as they dissappeared.
16. Asked about giving up my investigation
and the next morning the CDC called.
17. Found a blue bead at the park where
Caylee played.
So, I believe....
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the
sun has risen: not only because I see it, but
because by it I see everything else. -- C. S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
My life without Caylee
Are you feeling an emptiness that you can't explain.
You seemed to be having a pretty good day and then
all of sudden...there it is again...That horrific hole in your
heart that causes your stomach to sink and you need to
take a deep breath.
It is life without Caylee!
Do you have a seemingly bottomless pit in your stomach
that sparks a rushing sensation through your whole being.
It's an inexplicable shudder of longing that, as hard as you try,
you just can't describe to anyone. How can you describe
something so painful as losing such a wonderful child and
having to live your life everyday without her. Having to
take every breath knowing you won't see her when you
get home. You want get a hug. You want hear I love you.
Not from her..
It is life without Caylee!
Time passes by so quickly without warning, just when
you think you are catching up, you remember she is not
here and time stands still again. Undeniably, you realize
you have to catch up, but know noone understands what
is taking you so long. You find you are talking to
someone and then, for no reason at all, you think of her
and you long to peel back time and return to a safe
place where everything was okay. Maybe even
make different decisions, say and do different things
that might alter the future.
It is life without Caylee!
Are you on your way to work or school (moreover,
you are at work or school) and discover your
eyes are tear filled. Tears are flowing down your
cheeks and you ask yourself, Now, was I thinking
about Caylee this very second? I don't think I was. Must've been.
Just didn't realize it.
It is life without Caylee!
Do you feel like you can't talk to anyone about it...all they
can think of to say is, You need to move on. Or, Life is
for the living and you have to get on with it.
It is life without Caylee!
Or, Caylee is in a better place. She's in heaven. Well,
yes, that's true, she is in Heaven. Most days that helps
to remember. Other days it does not. Worst of all,
there are those people who just don't say anything and
never bring her up at all. That feels just as painful as
talking about her for those of you who think it does not.
It is life without Caylee!
Or maybe you feel like other people are forgetting
what a great child she was. Forgetting that she lived.
What a great big sister and creative child she was.
How sensitive and caring she was toward other
people and animals. How cute she was with her big smile,
enormous eyes and personality that would make your
heart melt. What an extremist She was in everything
She did or said. The degree of potential that this
amazing child had to offer our world with that incredible
imagination of hers...that got cut short way too soon.
It is life without Caylee!
I guess other people say things (or don't say anything)
because the fact of the matter is, they don't have the
ability to make us feel better and they know it. In fact, we know it.
It is life without Caylee!
Time?, the adage goes, a great healer. It may
have softened the shock and slightened the fear.
The daily tide of tears is ebbing. Undefinable anger is
curbed...and all that stuff, yeah...Time does help,
but it does not heal, how could time replace HER.
I despise the cliche, time heals all wounds? For those
of us who have lost a child, a Caylee, does time
really heal all wounds? I do not believe that there is a
timeframe that defines when I will feel better or when
you will feel better or one that says we will. I reject
conformation to what someone else decides as the
right amount of time for me and when I should be
over it by now. Forget about it. Please.. When I'm
missing Caylee the most, I refuse to just keep busy with
meaningless tasks and endless chores. Because at the
end of the day all I accomplish is a headache.
My heart remains as broken as it was at 8:13pm
when she passed over on March 8, 2005. The same
moment that a part of me died.
It is life without Caylee!
The fact is...I don't want to get over Caylee and I won't.
That said, I do not mean to say it's acceptable to tumble
downward in an endless spiral of despair, and eventualy
crash-land on the bottom and remain stuck there
wallowing in pitiful misery looking for someone else to
commiserate with. That seems pretty unhealthy. I won't do
that either.
To miss does not mean we won't build new relationships.
We just won't replace our old ones, not the ones that we
lost when our children died.
To mourn does not mean to wallow in the past?
Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted.
Clearly there was a reason for this to end up in the
most protected and honored book ever.
To remember does not mean to dwell over and
commiserate. Memories, pictures and stories
shape our past, strengthen our present and
build our future, regardless of the tears they bring,
they also bring joy.
Finally, If you imagine her, she will be there and that
makes me smile. How could anyone not smile at her
life and be sad at her loss. She is my child, my first breath,
my pain is deeper than anyone will ever know -
because she was mine.
I will be with her again, but for now,
This is my life without Caylee!
Godspeed to Caylee
- Dawn
I found a similar entry on a website online and identified
with this so much that I had to rewrite it in my own words..
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Caylee's Life and Death
Caylee was 4 years old when she passed and was completely full of life.
She loved any kind of animal, was nice to everyone, gave besitos to all of her family,
played with her brother and sister, gave hugs and valentines to mommy, entertained me, danced with me,
shopped with me, fished with papa, did back bends with papa, flips with
papa and hide and seek in the house.
There was never a bad moment, never a bad memory, except the one
where she died.
I loved Caylee so very much and did as much as I could for her always.
Caylee comes from the word Katherine, which means - PURE. --- and
she sure was. A fragile, graceful, loving child who cared so much for others
that she would forget about the things a child should care about.
Anyone that met her or saw her felt all of the love that Caylee had bottled up
inside that little body and desired so much to share that with her.
We will all miss Caylee and will meet her again when it is our time to be with her.
Caylee was not sick prior to those two weeks. All of my children had an upper
respitory infection and had been to the doctor's the week prior and put on Zithromax.
She was over the cough and on day 7 of the Zithromax, she got a low grade fever.
She was still playing and acting like a healthy kid. That was March 3rd. We had
been for a field trip to the Fire Station the day before. On March 4th, she had some vomiting.
Immediately, I thought stomach virus.
The next day, the 5th, I took her to Healthpoint After Hours Pediatrics and they diagnosed her with a Stomach Virus.
I took her home, let her sleep the next day and Monday, the 7th, when she looked worse, I took her to her Pediatrician.
He immediately diagnosed it as Leukemia.
We were devastated. He told us this is not a death sentence like it used to be.
We took her to the Children's Cancer Center and they aspirated blood from her
marrow and diagnosed early as ALL with a 80% chance of survival. The next
morning the final results came in and it was not ALL, but AML and now the
prognosis was 40% with Chemo. My whole world seemed to end at that moment.
The Oncologist gave us her road map and said it would mean 10 days of Chemo
and then more treatments lasting 2 1/2 years and then she may not recover
and may need a bone marrow transplant and then still could relapse and
eventually die.
I asked if she would walk out of there now and he was certain she would. With
20 years + of experience, they had never seen or expected anything like this.
Her WBC was 283,000 and when they started pheresis it came down momentarily
and then went back up while they were treating. This baffled them.
They told me after they had to put a ventilator in that she
probably was not going to make it through the night and
that the had to resuscitate her.
I told them to keep trying. I did not want to fail her in any way.
The Father from church was there and he said, "The last bit of love you
can give her is to let her go."
I knew he was right when the 7+ bags of blood they
were trying to get in her started coming back out.
She was bleeding to death, so I had to make a decision to let her
go before she did. The Hematologists said that would be far worse
if that happened. I could not bare
to do that to her.
So, I told them to disconnect her and give her to me. I held her for a long time.
I touched her little feet and hands and rubbed her tummy that had hurt so much
and kissed her. I told her that I was so sorry that this happened to her and that I
loved being her mommy and that I was lucky to have had that opportunity.
In November, her class made cards for Thanksgiving. Hers said she wanted to
thank Papa for taking her fishing, mommy for buying her things and Jesus for
giving her TV.
The last thing she said was, "Papa, I want to watch TV." I want to think that Jesus
or an Angel was standing there telling her whenever she was ready to go home
just say it. I think it was her way of saying to us she was ready. She closed
her eyes and did not open them or speak again.
I truly believe she was already gone
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
If you have any material to add to this section, please contact the
website manager.
If you are the website manager, you can enter edit mode to upload material by clicking
here. |
|
|
| Bring the memories home by publishing your online memorial as a genuine hardcover keepsake |
|
